Three Weeks Later

Here we are three weeks later.

21 days have come and gone, and the hurt of our failed/disrupted/whatever adoption hurts so badly. For 8 months we went to appointments to check on and see the little boy who we hoped to be our son. There were meetings with our lawyer, meals and other times spent bonding with the birth mom and her son, A relationship was formed but now gone.

There is so much hurt straight to the core and more tears than I've ever cried before.

The first days were so very hard, but we were loved on so much by friends and family during that time. We're forever thankful to the love poured out to us on those first days.

Now that we're moving forward and have returned to the daily routines, the pain and hurt have not gone away. The room that was once a nursery is now a family game room. Thanks to the help of two precious friends, we were able to dismantle the nursery and get rid of/sell all the baby items we'd been collecting for the past several months.

Though we're going about our days like "normal" Charlie and I are still hurting (sometimes it feels unbearable). It seems like the world and life are just moving on. It's incredibly hard to keep smiling and comfort others who are also hurt by this loss when we're so deeply hurt ourselves. We're struggling. I simply don't know how else to say it.

To the loved ones who are still checking in on us and letting us know that we're in your prayers, thank you big time. It means the world to us. We are blessed some loved ones who are walking this hard, sad road with us, and we realize it's a lot.

We're going to keep trusting in Jesus and clinging to Him. We know there is a reason for all of this even though we don't understand even the tiniest bit why we're going through all of this excruciating pain. God's plan is best, and we trust Him.

Sunshine

Having a child with special needs brings many concerns, and one of those concerns is, "Will my child have genuine friendships?" Last year I began to see a very special friendship blossom, and my concern in this area began to wither away. I now no longer lose sleep thinking and praying about Libby's friendships. In fact, last night I couldn't stop thinking about how thankful and blessed we are that this little girl has befriended Libby.

This little girl immediately bonded with Libby, and they've been two peas in a pod since. She's Libby's Sunshine, I'll refer to the little girl as Sunshine because that's a perfect description of her. She radiates happiness and love everywhere she goes. I've had the privilege of watching Sunshine in many situations, and I'm constantly in awe of how she responds in love and pursues bringing happiness to those around her.

❤❤❤❤❤

One of the things I love most about Sunshine is that she sees, treats, and plays with Libby as another little girl. She doesn't see the labels, hearing aids, braces, and other differences as red flags. She truly sees Libby for who she is, a little girl. Sunshine has an understanding and loving heart that I feel sure is made of pure gold, and I couldn't ask for a better friend for my daughter.

Libby loves Sunshine so much that we watch a video of her singing nearly every day. Libby talks about her often and lights up when she sees Sunshine. I know that Sunshine loves Libby just as much. Today I asked her if she wanted a printed picture of Libby, and she immediately did a happy dance and kissed the picture.

Sunshine cheering Libby on at one of her ballgames.

My mama heart is overflowing with thankfulness and love. I am forever grateful that Sunshine came into our lives and that she is my little girl's person. I'm also thankful that Sunshine has parents who are teaching her that special needs kids are, in fact, just kids. Her parents have been such an encouragement to my family, and we're thankful for their friendship as well. 

Punches

Didn't I just write about praying for strength and courage? Yep, I sure did. Perhaps God is indeed trying to teach us to rely on Him for both of those things. We're doing our best to continue to pray continually to avoid the funk that keeps trying to pull us in. Often we're in the fake it 'til you make it crowd.

In the last couple months each doctor visit, meeting, evaluation, etc. leaves us feeling like we've been punched in the gut. Sometimes repeatedly. We are blessed to have great teachers, therapists, doctors, and nurses helping us help Libby reach her full potential. Part of that is for them to sometimes deliver news that, for lack of a better phrase, straight up sucks. In almost every case, they feel the hurt and disappointment right alongside us. That helps. Truly it does. Sometimes we hold the tears in until we get to the car and other times we rush to sit/lay on nasty bathroom floors and sob uncontrollably. These pieces of news leave us awake until the wee hours of the morning researching, praying, and double checking to see if we can do anything else to help our little girl.

Bottom line... Libby is still progressing. It may not be at the rate we want, but progress is wonderful. Some things will be tweaked to hopefully help her out. We're thankful, oh so thankful, when plans are put into place after the punches are delivered. Okay, we're here. Let's give this our best shot to help her progress. That does so much good for our souls!

Sometimes when it seems like all we focus on is the negative, we try to fix our minds on the positive and the progress.

Today, Libby ate nearly 1,500 calories and is hovering at 30 pounds. She's gaining the weight back! She was able to control her impuslivity so much better for the hearing screening today despite the frequent mention of impulsivity from the audiologists. It was an improvement though so WIN! She was able to play at a small playground and verbally tell us when she was too hot. She's met some IEP goals this school year and gained a ton of new words, phrases, knowledge, skills, and friends. She has NOT disassembled her hearing aids in almost a week! She voiced that she ONLY wanted the "cute,sparkly Frozen shoes" at the Crocs store. Yep, I caved and bought Crocs because I was so stinkin' proud of how descriptive she was.

For now, I'm off to do a bit more research and spend some time in prayer.

Strength & Courage

I'm claiming this verse for our family. God is faithful and has guided us each step of the way. We don't always listen to Him like we should, but I'm so thankful He doesn't give up on us.

Truth is this journey of parenting a special needs child brings a degree of fear and discouragement. We try super hard to see the positive in everything, but there are times when it's a challenge. We've learned that it's okay to live in the moment, celebrate the victories, cherish each other, and to plan what we can. What we can't plan, we're learning to be okay with. God has used this journey to teach us that not everything has to be mapped out or just so. Our lives probably look like a hot mess, but it's a fun hot mess. HA!

Discouragement is also part of this special needs parenting journey. It just is. Sometimes we don't get results or news that we like to hear. It is hard to swallow and it hurts to the deepest core of our beings. BUT Joy comes in the morning. We're learning to mourn when we receive hard results/news and to do our very best to move on the next day. Our precious girl brings us so much joy that she often pulls us out of that sad place. We are so blessed that she's our girl!

So we will take on each day with as much strength and courage as possible and pray continually for both. We are so thankful for those who support us and pray for us! If you would like, will you help us pray for strength and courage? 

Still Learning

I have realized recently that my view of others, what I value most, and my outlook on life has changed quite a bit. Before becoming a mama to precious special needs girl, I thought life needed to operate in just a certain way to be "good". It just isn't so y'all. I am still learning to be chill when things happen differently than I would have planned. I'm thankful my journey was planned by God and not by me. 

I've realized I'm stronger than I thought possible when it comes to my girl. I do find myself in defense mode more than I like because sadly it has been a necessity. I'm still learning to respond to the constant questions, comments, stares, etc. with calmness and a gentle heart and tongue. I really would like to throat punch and scream, but I have a little girl who is watching my every move. It's exhausting always being everything I need to be for my girl. Though it's exhausting ,and I'm not sure when I slept all the way through the night last, I would not change being her mama. 

I've learned to really appreciate the kind words and actions of others. It's so easy to be negative and poke fun at others, but what good does that do? However, sharing a smile, hug, and kindness shows you care. I'm working to improve in the area. Some examples that have brightened my day have been a lady in Wal*Mart telling me, "You seem like a good mama." She said this to watching me talk to Libby about stopping at the end of an isle and look to see if others are coming. She could have walked right on by us, but her simple, short comment made my day! A hug from one of my girl's therapists after a challenging session made my day! Smiles. When someone smiles at me, I smile back. Day made. I'm praying to become more encouraging to those around me. 

I'm learning to be okay with where we're at. Lately, it's been a hard place. Life has been throwing punches as soon as we think we're on our feet and then we're knocked on our butts again. I have realized though that even when things are straight up hard, we still have our joy. There will be tears, anger, fussing, but ultimately joy. 

Being a special needs mama has made me step back from judging. I used to think when a child was screaming in a store that his/her parents needed to do more. I now know that it just isn't always the case. I'm usually the one with the screaming child. I do the best I can, and it still happens. You know what? It's okay too. 

There is more I wanted to say, but it has taken me an incredibly long time to just type this because.... I'm a mama. HA! It feels good to be blogging again. Until next time. 

Things That Help

At our last support group meeting (for special needs parents) the topic was "Caring for the Caretaker". Oh my, it was GREAT! A suggestion was made to make a list of things that make us feel better or take away stress. I'm sharing my list. Mostly for my own benefit because as the speaker shared, you cannot think of what to do when it gets "bad". If I'm being honest, a good week at our house has a minimum of 1 "bad day".

Things That Help 

• A hot shower without worry of Libby getting hurt if it's just the 2 of us. 
• A home cooked meal that I didn't have to cook
• Going to a movie
• Going to bed early or taking a nap
• Chilling watching TV with no other distractions
• Sewing alone
• A walk, bike ride, or trip to the gym
• Going to Target
• Enjoying a cup of coffee at a coffee shop
• A pedicure

Now, let's see if I'll remember to look back at these when I am offered a little escape on bad days. 

Not a Phase

For two and a half years we have dealt with certain behaviors with Libby. There are times where they almost disappear and times, like now, where they're very present. As she's growing and learning more, she's added more.

Today I have been hit with a fist, palm, and a book. The fist was to the eye and so hard it needed ice. I was spat on, kicked, pinched, and scratched. This is usually accompanied by yelling, growling, mumbling. The majority of this happened in a 30 minute time span.

Days like today are hard. Very hard. I feel inadequate in how to help her learn to not act out her emotions with aggression and anger. I want to know what she's thinking so badly so I can help her and love on her. Right now we still have a communication gap. We're working on it. Communication has improved by leaps and bounds but this specific area of emotions remains a challenge.

I hope and pray we'll have a breakthrough and be able to talk it through, and I pray that it's soon Very, very soon.

I'm clinging to this verse.