Still Learning

I have realized recently that my view of others, what I value most, and my outlook on life has changed quite a bit. Before becoming a mama to precious special needs girl, I thought life needed to operate in just a certain way to be "good". It just isn't so y'all. I am still learning to be chill when things happen differently than I would have planned. I'm thankful my journey was planned by God and not by me. 

I've realized I'm stronger than I thought possible when it comes to my girl. I do find myself in defense mode more than I like because sadly it has been a necessity. I'm still learning to respond to the constant questions, comments, stares, etc. with calmness and a gentle heart and tongue. I really would like to throat punch and scream, but I have a little girl who is watching my every move. It's exhausting always being everything I need to be for my girl. Though it's exhausting ,and I'm not sure when I slept all the way through the night last, I would not change being her mama. 

I've learned to really appreciate the kind words and actions of others. It's so easy to be negative and poke fun at others, but what good does that do? However, sharing a smile, hug, and kindness shows you care. I'm working to improve in the area. Some examples that have brightened my day have been a lady in Wal*Mart telling me, "You seem like a good mama." She said this to watching me talk to Libby about stopping at the end of an isle and look to see if others are coming. She could have walked right on by us, but her simple, short comment made my day! A hug from one of my girl's therapists after a challenging session made my day! Smiles. When someone smiles at me, I smile back. Day made. I'm praying to become more encouraging to those around me. 

I'm learning to be okay with where we're at. Lately, it's been a hard place. Life has been throwing punches as soon as we think we're on our feet and then we're knocked on our butts again. I have realized though that even when things are straight up hard, we still have our joy. There will be tears, anger, fussing, but ultimately joy. 

Being a special needs mama has made me step back from judging. I used to think when a child was screaming in a store that his/her parents needed to do more. I now know that it just isn't always the case. I'm usually the one with the screaming child. I do the best I can, and it still happens. You know what? It's okay too. 

There is more I wanted to say, but it has taken me an incredibly long time to just type this because.... I'm a mama. HA! It feels good to be blogging again. Until next time. 

Things That Help

At our last support group meeting (for special needs parents) the topic was "Caring for the Caretaker". Oh my, it was GREAT! A suggestion was made to make a list of things that make us feel better or take away stress. I'm sharing my list. Mostly for my own benefit because as the speaker shared, you cannot think of what to do when it gets "bad". If I'm being honest, a good week at our house has a minimum of 1 "bad day".

Things That Help 

• A hot shower without worry of Libby getting hurt if it's just the 2 of us. 
• A home cooked meal that I didn't have to cook
• Going to a movie
• Going to bed early or taking a nap
• Chilling watching TV with no other distractions
• Sewing alone
• A walk, bike ride, or trip to the gym
• Going to Target
• Enjoying a cup of coffee at a coffee shop
• A pedicure

Now, let's see if I'll remember to look back at these when I am offered a little escape on bad days. 

Not a Phase

For two and a half years we have dealt with certain behaviors with Libby. There are times where they almost disappear and times, like now, where they're very present. As she's growing and learning more, she's added more.

Today I have been hit with a fist, palm, and a book. The fist was to the eye and so hard it needed ice. I was spat on, kicked, pinched, and scratched. This is usually accompanied by yelling, growling, mumbling. The majority of this happened in a 30 minute time span.

Days like today are hard. Very hard. I feel inadequate in how to help her learn to not act out her emotions with aggression and anger. I want to know what she's thinking so badly so I can help her and love on her. Right now we still have a communication gap. We're working on it. Communication has improved by leaps and bounds but this specific area of emotions remains a challenge.

I hope and pray we'll have a breakthrough and be able to talk it through, and I pray that it's soon Very, very soon.

I'm clinging to this verse.