Guest Post: How to be a good friend to parents with children that have special needs

1) Be Understanding That Time Is Precious And Limited

"There aren't enough hours in the day." We've all said it, but parents with children that have special needs experience a whole new level. They've got therapy after therapy, doctor appointments that may not even be in the same state or city, and still have to do the daily tasks such as making sure there is dinner, cleaning, and laundry. Lots of laundry.

Somewhere in there they REALLY want to fit you in, promise, but at the end of the day, sometimes all they need is a little quiet time with his or her spouse to vent about the day with someone who TRULY understands.

2) You Don't Understand

I know you mean well when you say, "I understand. My little Johnny bit until he was 3 years old." You don't understand. Your little Johnny is now a bright and well mannered 4 year old. Your friend is still longing for his or her child to do all the "normal" things that a typical child can, and they are working hard every day to make that happen, but right now, they are praising their child for taking their first step, or feeding themselves, or a million other things that we take for granted every day.

3) Be Flexible

"Thursday at 2:04 PM for 26 minutes." This may be the only time in the week, or month, that they can see you. They long for friend time, but reality is they have to schedule it just like they are scheduling doctor and therapy appointments. Sometimes these appointments work mutually, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they are relieved that it didn't work out this time as it will give them 26 minutes of alone time or family time.

4) Don't take anything personally (or at least realizing it's not personal)

Okay, I know that's not possible always, but at least realize it's not meant to be personal. Truth be told, they are trying to do the same thing. Sometimes the things we say, even with good intentions, hurt. Deeply. Sometimes it can feel like you're walking a tightrope, but just remember they are on the other side of that tightrope trying to meet you in the middle. You're going to hurt their feelings (and they will likely hurt yours). Do what you can to realize it's not personal. Sometimes, it's survival.

5) Understand They Need You, But On Their Terms

As much as they long to spend quality time with you, and as much as they NEED that time, sometimes they have to do it on their own terms. This might mean skipping out on mid-day play dates so his or her child can nap, or it's the worst part of the day for their child. This means sometimes not being able to physically be there to support you. Refer back to number 4, and don't take it personally. They WANT to be there and they are crushed that they can't. Refer back to rule number 1 and 3,  and be understanding his or her time is precious and limited and you have to be flexible. Maybe they can't be there to support you that exact day, but maybe they can get together the next weekend to help you celebrate your accomplishment.

I couldn't ask for better best friends than Cilla and Charlie. I'm still learning how to be a good friend in this new chapter of our lives, but these are the things I've learned and a lot of times I am still learning. Each new phase means a new learning curve, but I'm confident we'll keep figuring it out one day at a time.

With love,

Jen